


Pain In The Ass: A Kames Cracklet

by Liliako



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Crack, Dirty Talk, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, I Refuse to Tag iCarly and ruin their fandom with this, M/M, Oral Sex, Phone Sex, Sexy Crack?, So Much Dirty Talk, cocky-unapologetic-asshole-Kendall, diva-princess-pretty-tiara-faced-James, ohgodI'msosorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 00:40:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4983166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliako/pseuds/Liliako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kendall gets a phone call. James is displeased. Kendall thinks everything can be fixed with orgasms and making out. James doesn’t exactly disagree.  Kendall has a few more secrets up his sleeve that James likes a little more than either of them expect.</p>
<p>I WARN FOR THE FOLLOWING: Shane’s existence as James’s little brother, cocky-unapologetic-asshole-really-wants-any-D-Kendall and diva-princess-pretty-tiara-faced-James.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain In The Ass: A Kames Cracklet

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS CRACK. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS FOR REALLY TOTALLY SERIOUS. Beta'd by shisou_eimin who encourages any and all crack. For more Shane-tastic action by other people, follow the link! http://btr-kink.livejournal.com/2301.html?thread=459773
> 
> Prompt was: "So we've all decided that Shane (James Maslow's character in iCarly) is James Diamond's younger brother, right? Right. Well, Shane comes to visit. Shane/Kendall. It can be a recent development or an established (secret) relationship. James walks in on them. Writer can take it from there. :)"

Kendall’s phone goes off and startles him awake, groping for it frantically so it won’t wake up James in the bed not five feet away.

“Hello?” Kendall whispers harshly into the phone, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes.

“What are you wearing?” A voice husks from the other end of the line.

“ _Shane_?” Kendall pulls the phone from his face and over the little blinking time counter is indeed Shane’s name. “It’s like, 2 in the morning, man!” Kendall grits out, still controlling his voice to a low volume.

“Yeah well I just woke up from a really good dream, if you know what I mean.” Shane tells him matter-of-factly **.** “You never said what you were wearing. Its fine, you’re already naked in my head.”

“What? God, you’re always so impatient. Hold on,” Kendall peers into the darkness and James doesn’t appear to be awake or breathing fast or anything so he figures as long as he just quietly talks Shane off, this will be fine.

“I’m naked, too, just so you know.” Shane says and Kendall rolls his eyes.

“You’re pretty bad at this phone sex thing, you know that? Whatever, what was your sexy dream about?” Kendall settles onto his back and tries to think of dirty sexy words that don’t sound stupid out loud.

“We were mermaids under water so everyone was pretty much naked but you couldn’t fuck anyone, it was all just rubbing against each other.”

“Of course, only you would mix a Disney movie with sex. Wait- everyone? Who’s everyone?”

“You were there, duh. And like, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt were off in an undersea corner and Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were in Ariel’s little cave with its who-sits and what-sits galore. But Logan and Carlos and Freddy and stuff were there too and we were all sort of together. Logan was weird. He had these like, octopus arms, right?” Kendall grunts. He’s been trying to picture all of this and finding it a little ridiculous so he tries to focus now, since he can picture Logan with tentacle arms, creepy as it is. “He’s jerking everybody off because he’s got tentacles and they have little suckers at the ends and you don’t even know how much you want that until your brain thinks it up- don’t even start laughing at me- are you touching yourself yet? You better be, this is hot stuff.”

“Oh, totally,” Kendall snickers at him and puts on his best quiet porn voice. “Oooooh, oooooo, god it’s just so good!”

“Shut up, jerk!” Shane whines at him, “Seriously, it felt awesome. Just close your eyes, okay? Take out your dick and work it like you work me when you’re being an asshole- slow and steady. Think about how hot a tentacle would be with all the little ends sucking at you all over like too many mouths,” and as Shane talks Kendall does what he’s told, imagining and jacking it. Surprisingly, it **is** a little hotter than Kendall first assumed. “And the whole thing moves like a tongue and it’s under water so everything is an easy glide that feels nothing but perfect, uh, hold on,” there’s a few rustling noises before a sigh.

“Getting turned on thinking about it again?” Kendall teases and Shane just rumbles a little.

“Mmmm, getting hot thinking about you getting off on this. You’re just too fucking hot for words sometimes, but you’re such a big stupid dork you don’t even know it,” Shane says and Kendall can hear the slightest strain to his concentration.

“You miss me? Got my hand around you and I’m gonna be nice even if you’re being a brat, suck just the tip of you in and drive you up the wall,” Kendall murmurs and hears Shane moan because they both miss it. Kendall pulls himself a little faster, “Hold you down and just lick you slow until you’re ripping the sheets.”

“Nnnmmm, you fucking tool, teach you a lesson, pull your dumb looking hair and make you take me in more,” Shane’s voice gets caught on a groan and pants a moment before grinding out low and dirty, “Wanna fuck right down your throat so bad.” The imaginary feel of it all has been building up and the idea of the slide of Shane’s cock in his throat pushes Kendall right up to the brink.

“Aw, fuck, _Shane_!” Kendall hisses out trying to stifle a moan and right then James bolts upright, scaring Kendall who fumbles and drops his phone off the side of his bed.

“Is that my _brother_!?” James yells, “Are you having phone sex with _my brother_?!” Kendall just curls into the fetal position, groaning out of how utterly fucked he is and not in the good sexy groaning way. James scrabbles for the phone on the floor, call still connected. “ _Shane?!_ Shane Frances Diamond?! You better not have just had phone sex with Kendall or, so help me god, I will kill him!” James roars into the phone.

“Uhhhh, no hah-blay Enrique Ahn-glay-sias?” Shane voice squeaks from the phone and James looks like his eyeballs might pop out of their sockets.

“Don’t give me that shit you little punk! I don’t think that’s even real Spanish!” He’s waving his arms in frustration and Kendall has to stifle a smirk, because really, it’s kind of adorable how stupid James is on occasion.

“James,” Kendall tries to get his attention to calm him down.

“I’ll deal with you later, feel lucky I have to pound out Kendall’s brains now,” James snarls menacingly into the phone and pointing at Kendall, though Shane obviously can’t see it. 

“Trust me bro, I would love to be there to pound his brains out if you know what I mean,” Shane snarks over the phone and it only enrages James further.

“I’m going to puke all over him and then kill him!” He yells and as James snaps the phone shut there’s a faint ‘whatever you’re into dude’ before it’s cut out and James tosses it on his bed. “You!” James whips around and towers over Kendall who’s slowly sitting up in bed, pulling the sheets up around him. “What the _fuck_ man?!” James throws his hands in the air in a typical ‘what?’ gesture. Kendall’s face goes from scared to beaming in half a second flat.

“Dude! You totally got off to us having phone sex!” Kendall waves his hands at how James’s green plaid pajama pants are very obviously clinging wetly to a spent cock. James turns an interesting shade of red and not because he’s mad.

“ _Shut up!_  I didn’t know it was Shane!” James groans in the bad way and covers his face with his hands. “This is so fucked up!”

“Who did you think it was?!” Kendall is honestly interested in just who James thinks he’d be having phone sex with.

“Who cares, this is so wrong!” James turns, dragging his hands down his face, pulling his eyelids down miserably, and paces alongside their beds.

“You just whacked it to your little brother, that _is_ super messed up. I bet you’ll need therapy.” Kendall is sure that if he ever choked his chicken next to a guy who was having phone sex with Katie he’d need therapy for life. He kind of needs therapy just thinking about it. 

“This is all _your_ fault!” James accuses suddenly and Kendall boggles at him.

“ _My_ fault?! How?” Kendall feels like he should be offended, but he also thinks it’s kind of interesting that James quietly jerked off to him having phone sex and that’s something he feels he should be weirdly proud of.

“First off, you seduced my baby brother, causing him to call _you_ in the middle of the night. Secondly, you have absolutely no volume control sometimes. And thirdly, it’s really hot when you’re talking dirty like that, okay? And making noises, alright? It's totally _your_ fault.” James turns away sharply, halting his pacing and tugging at his pants as everything starts to dry.

Kendall’s quiet for a moment, pondering and scheming before he stands up. He rakes both of his hands down James’s tank top covered back with just his blunt finger nails. James shivers and quickly steps away from him, turning back around to face him again with wide eyes. “What are you doing?!”

“Me and Shane aren’t a serious thing,” Kendall blurts out. “He just wanted to know what stuff felt like and you know how I am with opportunities. I wasn’t using him but he wasn’t using me either and that’s why it works.” James is gaping at him like a fish trying to process this. “He’s growing up, man. I’m not the love of his life or anything, I’m just the hot reliable thing that’s not going to laugh at him if he screws up. Well, I am, but it’s okay.”

“You’re his god damned Zen Master.” James plops backwards and sits on his bed, pouting. “But I’m the sexy one, I know all about that stuff and I’m his big brother, I should be his Zen Master of Sex Fu.”

“Well, see, I don’t think he’d feel really comfortable trying out new blow job techniques on you so that’s probably why he asked me.” Kendall claps James on the shoulder but James is still upset. “Aw, cheer up!” James throws himself onto the bed, rolling onto his stomach to hide his face in the mattress.

“No one ever asks for my help, not even my own little brother!” James mourns into the sheets.

“Now that’s not true, you help Logan on his dates all the time! He loves that! You love that!” Kendall sits on the edge on the bed and pats James on the back.

“It’s not the same!” James muffles into his bed.

“You know what would make you feel better?” Kendall asks, starting to soothingly rub James’s back now.

“What?” James pouts out.

“Another orgasm,” Kendall nods sagely and James just sputters incoherently, leaning up on his arms.

“No!”

“From me, yes, it would,” Kendall just nods again calmly.

“Absolutely not!”

“James,” Kendall sighs heavily, because this is all very taxing, and his hand is still resting on James lower back.

“Kendall!” James responds a little hysterically and tries to roll onto his back farther away from Kendall so he can sit up, but Kendall just lets his hand lay where it lands when James half rolls and it ends up happily on the top edge of James’s damp pajama bottoms. Kendall gives a wicked grin and snaps the waist band, making James whimper a bit.

“Now that can’t feel good, I bet. Starting to dry from all that pacing but I’m willing to hazard a guess that it’s still kind of a mess in there,” Kendall says, just stating the facts. 

“Oh my god,” James lays fully on his back and covers his face with his hands again.

“I have it on good authority that I’m pretty good at cleaning up this kind of mess,” Kendall says all too casually and throws in a little shrug of his shoulder even though James isn’t looking at him.

“If by good authority you mean my _goddamn little brother_ then I’m calling bullshit because you are breaking just about every bro code rule here, douchebag!” James sits up, slapping away Kendall’s hand and poking him in the chest.

“Hey!” Kendall shoves James back and gets in his face, “I’m trying to do you a favor, man, don’t hate on me for appreciating a nice cock, which I’m assuming yours is since the rest of you looks pretty hot!” He kind of yells the whole thing because he’s mad and the whole end bit just kind of slips out but he can’t really back down from it now so he just stays in James face.

“You- I- _What?_ ” James boggles at him, pointing back and forth between them. “No, seriously, I don’t get it.”

“Do you have a decent dick or what?” Kendall avoids the whole 'you're hot I might like you' thing and gets back to business.

“I mean, I like to think it’s a pretty nice average cock but I never really compared it to-”James is blushing a little and Kendall’s tactic has worked.

“Great! Awesome! It’s there, it’s hard, I’d like to suck it, let’s go!” Kendall says enthusiastically, pushing James’s shoulders back on the bed and straddling him. But James is slapping his hands away again when Kendall scoots himself down and is about to yank down the confounded pajama pants.

“Get-! Don’t-! Stop that!” James gives a little indignant huff when Kendall, who has wiggled himself between James legs and his own are sort of hanging off the bed, slaps James’s own hands away and finally gets a good grip on the pants. James grimaces as Kendall peels them and hisboxers down, yanking roughly to settle them securely on James’s thighs.

“I so called it,” Kendall murmurs, licking his lips and kind of staring at the majesty of James’s half hard cock, despite the mess all around. He leans forward, mouth open ready to do just as he’s promised when James’s hand presses againstthe side of his face. “What now?” Kendall barks, grabbing James’s hand and wrenching it away from his face.

James is a special shade of bright pink that probably could never do the word ‘blush’ justice and it’s pretty much spread from the tip of his ears to half way down his chest under that wife beater. “It’s gross! Can’t you just use a wash cloth or something like a normal person?”

“Oh. My. _God._ ” Kendall wants to beat his head against a wall. So close, yet so far. “Fine, princess, whatever makes you happy,” he pushes off the bed and goes to rummage in his side table drawer, stripping off his own t-shirt and pajama bottoms on the way. “You pull those things up while I’m over here and so help me I will call Shane back,” James makes a fake puking noise as Kendall pulls the old rag of a t-shirt he uses to clean himself up whenever he needs it out of his side table drawer and splashes some of the water from his water bottle on it. “It’s like you don’t understand that I have a Pavlovian response to cock.  It’s a science thing, Logan explained it to me once. There’s stuff about food and bells and dogs and drool and rats and electrocution or something but you know how he talks sometimes. It’s really just about why your mouth waters when you see something you want to put in it, which is because you know it’s going to be good.” Kendall explains as he tests the dampness of the rag, adds more water and tests it again before crossing back around the beds and resuming his previous position laying between James’s legs. “Oh, huh, anticipation of my mouth get you that excited?” Kendall quips as he settles himself and sees he’s staring at a much more interested James Junior.

“Wha-? Oh, uh, yeah, totally.” James says unconvincingly and Kendall quirks an eyebrow at him before he touches the washcloth against the crease of James’s thigh and begins to rub little circles inward, carefully avoiding James’s dick and balls for now.

“Hmmm, I talked about Shane, science, dogs and electrocution, I really can’t get a fix on what you’re hard up for, man,” Kendall gives him a devilish grin and James glares back, looking a little nervous as he plays with the hem of his wife beater.

“None of those things thank you very much! I’m totally normal!” James insists and Kendall rolls his eyes.

“Vanilla is so boring, but you’ll learn. So...hmm… ah, okay, I’ll just say everything again to figure it out,” Kendall switches the hand that the cloth is in and James looks like he might be panicking. “Uhm, Pavlovian response to cock… nothing, kay, dogs, science, food? Rats? Dude, I really hope it’s not electrocution cause I’ve seen this weird kinky thing with a car battery, oh, no, not that, hm, hmm, hm, mouthwatering for things you want in your mouth?” The non-response of James’s dick is getting to be so frustrating Kendall wants to breathe on it a little to make sure it still works. “I have no idea then, you’re a mystery. I don’t remember what else Logan told me-“ James Junior waves a little at Kendall and James is biting his lip staring hard at Kendall. ”Hah! Bingo! We have a winner!” Kendall crows quietly because it’s almost three in the morning as people are still asleep. 

Kendall decides that he can play around with this a bit and be an asshole because James was kind of a jerk about the Shane thing. He leans in close, breathing hot moist air on the head of James’s dick while he talks. “Got a thing for Logie, do ya?”

“Don’t tell him, okay? He doesn’t know and if he did it would fuck everything up,” James pleads at Kendall, still twisting his shirt in his hands.

“Oh, now, come on,” Kendall finally gives a swipe of the wet rag to the shaft and James hums. “Where’s the fun in keeping it a secret? I could just help you out, drop a few hints, a subliminal message here or there-” James hand shoots out and grabs Kendall’s hair roughly, tugging a bit, surprising and sharp. It’s not entirely unpleasant, Kendall thinks.

“Don’t you dare,” James growls out, looking seriously murderous, even more so than when he’d found out about Kendall fucking his brother so that’s, y’know, a little strange.

“I’m only teasing you, you crazy asshole, Jesus,” Kendall moves his head a little and James has some kind of sudden realization that he’s yanking Kendall’s hair out of his skull and lets go.

“Sorry, I just- I’m really terrified that if they found out we’d never be friends again, okay?” It’s a little heartwarming how honest and open James is being and he’s also stroking and rubbing where he pulled Kendall’s hair so that might have something to do with how Kendall feels a little stirring in his chest that’s not the usual ‘Want cock now’.

“Wait, _they?_  I don’t think Carlos would have a problem with- why hello there,” James Junior had given another errant wave and James bites his lip again. “Both of them? Is it like, together or separate or-“

“Oh, god, stop giving me ideas,” James grunts out and Kendall fists the rag over James’s dick to finish cleaning it because he’d really like to get down to business now. He tosses the rag on the bed away from them and licks the head quickly, making James stifle a cry .

“I think they’d be good to have together, but I’ve only had them separate,” Kendall says, working James’s length in his hand and trying to decide if he wants to take Shane’s idea about face fucking and see if this Diamond can do it to him. The hair pulling is in the face fucking’s favor, but James being all emotionally sensitive is a definite downer.

“You _what?_ ” James sits up halfway and locks his legs around Kendall’s torso, squeezing. Another point in rough face fucking’s favor.

“I’ve had them on their own but not together, what?” Kendall shrugs and James looks absolutely horrified and scandalized.

“Explain! Details! Now!” He sits all the way up and grabs Kendall’s face in his hands, shaking him. Point number three for deep throating!

“What do you want to know, man?”

“Everything!” James shakes Kendall’s shoulders now and is chewing on his own bottom lip, breathing hard and staring at Kendall like he’s going to eat up anything he says. Kendall has always been fond of this kind of power, but doesn’t like to abuse it.

“Carlos was easy,” Kendall starts because it’s true and he had been first. “He just wanted to know things first, what’s kissing like, where do you put your hands when you’re making out with someone, how do you get a girl off with just your hands, how do you get a _guy_ off with just your hands, little questions, y’know. But it’s easy, just touch him a little,” Kendall settles his hands on James’s hips and rubs his thumbs over the bones, “whisper something dirty in his ear and he’s ready for anything. A real enthusiastic learner, always coming back for something new. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind another teacher, or, someone to practice his techniques on,” Kendall smirks and gives a shrugs while James licks his lips, riveted to every word.

“And Logan?” James prompts, voice low.

“Mmmm, Logan, shit,” Kendall gives a little laugh and James pushes at his chest a little now that his hands have glided down there. “I had to pull out all the stops; he was so far from what Carlos is like, it’s crazy. I must have spent days talking circles around him, power of persuasion and all, because he wouldn’t let me touch him, and God, you know how much that just made me want to touch him even more.” 

He shakes his head remembering the long drawn out pursuit and wooing. “You can’t just walk up to Logan and say something filthy and grope him and he’ll come to bed with you. He’s a romantic classy bitch, you have to work for what you get with him. It always starts with just being close, and then touching, just constant contact but you totally avoid going anywhere near his junk, like worship him a little I guess, and it’s not like it’s hard or it’s a bad thing, believe me, it’s kind of awesome because you get wrapped up in him. It’s slow and heady, you feel a little dizzy and he _always_ smells good.” 

Kendall breathes out deeply, remembering, and James mirrors his breath. “But yeah, so you’ll know when he’s ready because he’ll start kissing you. If you want him to move faster sometimes he gets the picture if you, this is kind of super gay, you have to kind of nuzzle at his face? Whatever, it doesn’t seem stupid when you’re doing it, there’s not a better word for it. Anyway, so he initiates the kissing but after that you can kind of do what you want as long as you go slow and don’t forget to keep up with the kissing. He’ll totally redirect you if he wants it and you’re on your way somewhere else, don’t doubt that. I mean, I was in the middle of the best blow he’s probably ever gotten in his life and you could tell he was close but he just pulled me up and wouldn’t let me finish him off with my hand, just made out with me for a while.” 

Kendall muses about it for a moment before shrugging again and watches James swallow hard. “But yeah, fucked ‘em both, Carlos and I switch and I’ve only fucked Logan once and he only fucked me once, just really big on the making out part. And I don’t always go after them, once it started they kind of knew they could come to me whenever.   I can tell now when Carlos has the look in his eyes and when Logan touches me certain ways or sits close on the couch. God, the two of them together, though, shit, see what Carlos is like slowed down or Logan sped up, it’d be awesome.” Kendall gives a happy sigh and James has this weird look of relief. “Hah, and I didn’t even tell you how they sound, it’s just so fucking beautiful, and once you strip them and have them laid out in your bed, shit, seriously, best presents ever, swear to God.” James moans quietly and falls back on the bed and Kendall is all about this new position, pulling himself up to straddle James’s hips and lay on his chest.

“Kendall, I just, I don’t even-" James hands hover like he wants to touch but has no idea what he’s doing, which Kendall thinks is silly because he knows James has been with girls and it’s kind of the same-ish. He thinks he’s been treating James more like Carlos but maybe he needs a bit of the Logan treatment to get him started. He gives a roll of his hips and strokes up and down James’s forearms lightly as they hang in the air.

“Chill out, relax, I still owe you an orgasm, don’t get all in your head about it,” He soothes and smiles in a different, non-sexy more genuinely friendly way. “This is all about making you happy, kay? We do it your way, however you like it, cause any way we do it I’m going to enjoy myself because I like you and this is okay and we’re going to be exactly the same after this, only plus sexy times, right? Right.” Kendall really can’t believe his luck, honestly. All three of his best friends and the guys he spends the most time with being totally cool with fooling around whenever? Best. Thing. Ever.

“Really?” James doesn’t sound convinced at Kendall’s new awesome plan for them. Pffft, Kendall’s plans always work. They seriously need to have more faith in him as band leader.

“Yup,” he tells James before dropping a quick kiss to his mouth. “Same as always, plus more orgasms and making out for everyone.”

“I do like making out,” James mumbles before they kiss again.

“I know,” Kendall grins as he pushes himself up off of James to move back down to his original position between James’s legs again. “And I’m willing to bet you like orgasms too.” James groans in response when Kendall finally wraps his lips around the head. 

He knows James is keyed up from the dirty storytelling and probably still a little over sensitive from blowing his load not twenty minutes before listening to Kendall on the phone. Kendall is sure he’s not going to get the face fucking he wants tonight, but he’s pretty sure he can convince James to do it later. One thing at a time, he thinks as he bobs his head and James’s hands are in his hair again, clutching at it. Kendall works James over slow, taking him in as far as he can then pulling back up to the head and licking around itin different patterns before going back down. James shudders and moans through gritted teeth the whole time, trying to be quiet. Kendall sucks the head for a second and that’s James’ tipping point, curling up off the bed.

“Fuck, ah- _hhnn_ ,” he hisses and his hands tighten in Kendall’s hair as he shoots off in Kendall’s mouth. When he finally relaxes minutely, Kendall pulls off with a little obscene pop noise to swallow. James pants harshly and flops back down on his bed in a loose sprawl. He twitches when Kendall licks up any remaining mess.

“Feel better now, don’tcha?” Kendall’s got a shit eating grin on his face and James just grunts. He slaps James’s thigh with a small laugh and stands up. James picks up his head with an eyebrow quirked.

“You didn’t- I should-” but Kendall shakes his head, yanking his pajama pants back on from their discarded place on the floor and throws James his.

“Dude, you gave my brain so much shit to put together. My subconscious is going to go nuts with the idea of you, Logan and Carlos all together.” Kendall slides back into his own bed finally. “You can get me later, cause I know I’m going to wake up needing it. Night.” James rustles around and gets himself situated but then Kendall can’t hear anything else.

As Kendall curls on his side and nestles down into the pillows, he mentally pats himself on the back and makes a note to thank Shane. This was the beginning of a beautiful thing, now he just needed a plan to bring everyone together. He’d think of something tomorrow. One thing at a time, right?


End file.
